One month left of 2010. A friend told me yesterday that 3-4 months into this current job of mine, she noticed how things seemed to have slid downhill. I know I've been down about the job. But I've tried hard not to let it suck the life out of me and turn me into a soulless, humourless automaton. I resent so many things about it - the mundaneness of endless meetings, the need to go through so many levels of approval, the processes, the stupid women I have to meet that I don't care two hoots about but then have to convince my bosses are worth it, the utter lack of creativity and voice and autonomy that I possess, the ridiculous bottlenecks, the coldness of the corporate culture. At first I thought I didn't like it but today, after counting down so many months and now that I can see the end in sight (2.5 months to go) and feel this enormous sense of lethargy every morning and waves of nausea going into work and a general absence of well-being, feeling like a Coke can that is shaken up every hour, I can probably safely say this is hell. I saw my mum today and remarked to her about how physically and emotionally exhausted my job has made me. And she agreed. She said "Quit." And I recall how months ago after a session of complaining, she said to me she would support me financially if I did. I think it's the safest place I'll ever be - knowing my mum has my back even if I wouldn't take her up on the offer.
Something else has been bugging me. It's how some of my friendships have started to look like loose threads hanging off my clothes. One brush and they are gone. It's so fucking ridiculous - there are people I see twice a year because of school or work, friends who no longer honour their promises to meet, those who don't even bother when I'm hanging at the end of my tether and desperately need help. Part of me wants to cut them off - why leave them there - and another part of me feels so sad about it because I'm really not as heartless as that. But ultimately it comes down to this: I'm too tired with work and too fucked up with it to go chasing after anything anymore. So I will try once, maybe twice, but really, that's it. I can't be the only one trying to work magic here, and anyway, I refuse.
posted by beautiful at 6:16 am
