So after the weekend of crazy emotions, I've spent the last two days on another rollercoaster ride. This time on my own, with no assistance from him. And I've realised the feelings are internal, inside me. There is a lot of negativity that springs from previous feelings of abandonment, cultural bias, general insecurity and fear of losing the people closest to me. Justified or not, all of this has culminated in a big, public display of jealousy. A seven-hour performance on Sunday, to be precise. In fact, I was talking to my brother about murders in the papers, and he revealed that most of the cases he's seen in his line of work have been crimes of passion - unrequited love, jealousy, bitterness. There you have it. The green-eyed monster rears its ugly head, just like in
Othello.
I've been doing some reading online about jealousy. A lot of the information out there is intuitive. If left to fester, it can ruin a relationship. Controlling it requires self-awareness, and calmly communicating one's thoughts and feelings to a partner. That hasn't exactly been my MO up to this point. I've just let myself go psycho-crazy.
I oscillate between feeling relatively happy and feeling absolutely livid at the prospect of things that haven't taken place, but which I'm SURE will happen. Then I start pointing fingers, apportioning the blame for crises that haven't unfolded. I also dream of the hurt, which just makes me want to withdraw. Seriously, I need to stop imagining the worst.
Another thing that I need to do is build up my self-confidence. I need to recognise the strength that is within myself and be assured of that goodness. This is a process I can't undertake on my own.
And ultimately, overcoming this consuming emotion is about acquiring a new life-long skill. I don't want to give vent to negativity anymore. I want to be more generous with my thoughts and deeds. So I have some new mantras.
Be good to myself.
Be kinder to others.
Cherish my relationship.
Keep breathing and keep talking.
Whatever will be, will be.
posted by beautiful at 7:28 am
