Back at home today, I spent about an hour reading through old journals dating from 2000 up to last year. I learnt some things about myself in that hour. Like how people genuinely believe how underneath all my cynicism, I am 'sweet'. (Their words, not mine.) Like how teenage angst isn't a cliche. When you're 16, the world genuinely is a topsy-turvy place in which you're trying to find your footing. There's little you understand, and naturally subsequently no one understands you. I was one helluva angsty teenager and I think I remained one into my early twenties, filling up pages and pages with cringe-inducing vitriol. I also learnt surprising things about my relationship with my father. A lot of the frustration I felt in those days was caused in part by that angst. When I thought it was him, it was also me - just that I never realised it till today. I was too young.
So today I relearnt stories he'd told me. Things he'd once said and done. Journeys he'd been on. Lessons he wanted to impart. ('Let your heart take flight' - it sounds corny but it was written in Chinese, it was a poem he'd once read.) Directions he'd hoped I'd take with my life. ('Don't leave. If you fall in love with an ang moh, you'll never come back.') If I'd never written it down in all those years, I'd have nothing to hold on to the way I do now. I thought I was writing for posterity, but I suppose what I've really done is create a repository of words and thoughts and memories. I ended up writing his instruction manual to me.
That's the power of words and writing for you. For me it's always in the writing. It captures the zeitgeist of years gone by, immortalises a moment, teaches you to see and feel beyond your own experience, and above everything else - it reminds you when you've forgotten. Don't overestimate your memory. Having said that, I knew I chose well in my career.
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A friend and I were talking about the idea of missing someone last week. Missing someone isn't just about evoking this person in thought. It involves yearning, desire, and sometimes, an element of regret. With this in mind, who or what do you miss? And watcha gonna do about it?
posted by beautiful at 7:44 am
