My usual state of mind is: sian. But it seems to have been even more so lately. I get tired easily and just last night, I came home from work nursing a terrible headache. I lay on the sofa in front of the TV to watch Asha Gill ponce about in her travel show, and when I saw the Swan Bells, I felt this intense jolt of familiarity. I suddenly remembered that just the other night, I had a dream of that place. It's funny, because I've never been there in person. I just remember seeing it from a distance, and having conversations about it. In my dream, I was standing before it and somebody was saying "Look, it's the Swan Bells. You're back again." And of course, given how shit I felt, I decided to mourn. Full-on grief. I don't care that I'm being a self-indulgent brat. I believe I have a number of legitimate reasons to feel as bad as I do. But there are also a number of petty things that I throw in to further justify my misery, unjustifiably so. Yet I also know that because of my faith, I have every reason to be happy. It's all so confusing.

Forget about this for now. All the things I can't put my finger on. There are other things to remember. Like peace of mind and heart. Like how I am God's instrument. Like how my calling transcends my petty day-to-day frustrations. Like how a prayer can turn my day around. Like how God only asks for us to love. Like how this love is the simple (yet often unreachable) answer. Like how some of us crave forgiveness. Like how the power is in me.

posted by beautiful at 9:57 pm