This is what I began a year ago. This is the double life I led. I looked through my diary last night and remembered: everything that was once scary, exciting, challenging, but immensely gratifying. How I yearn to do it all again. Amar has gone back there for a year and Lyd is leaving early in the morning--and I am so jealous I could pop! But I wish them the very best, and I know deep down inside that they will be alright. It always turns out that way.

I suspect that every time over the next five months I think back to the past year, I will be reviving the moments I have forgotten. And I know how implausible it sounds, but every time my memory takes me back, I forsake the present and let myself be transported to a place that Russ calls the Happy Zone.

Help. I think I'm going to pass out.

posted by beautiful at 7:37 am

So cards on the table: flipping through the program and seeing my name there, I feel a little regretful that this is the end of the road for me, where studying is concerned. The graduation ceremony definitely wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. The opening speech given by one of the members of the alumni sent shivers down my spine. I have dreams! But where along the line did I become so faithless that I stopped believing that my dreams could come true?

Time absolutely flew by. While sitting there today I had flashbacks of my disastrous first year: having a tube of super-strong glue explode over my pants, having my floppy disc (we still used floppy discs then!) stolen with my half-written 2500 word essay inside, being in the scholars program and working so hard only to quit later on. Second and third year got so much better, not just because I made more and more friends along the way, but also because I started to feel more intellectually stimulated. I had flashbacks to being a kid in primary one, standing at assembly and being forced to sing the national anthem. And then look at me today.

My mum made me put on the gown again to take more photos at home. Today, I am nostalgic because this is the end of the past fifteen years. No more majulahs, homework, pointless activities, endless reading. But I am also deeply joyful (I have waited for this day for so very long), and very proud. I have every reason to be. Which is probably why I still haven't removed my gown or mortar board.

Savour it.

posted by beautiful at 1:50 am