This is the story of my last night here in this house.

Johann broke the bad news to me yesterday evening. That cunt-next-door was not going to move out for the next month. I personally see no reason why he should not leave within a week (reasonable) or two weeks (generous). It does not take anyone a month to find a new home when real estate is not at its busiest this time of the year. It certainly should not take a bum like himself who has no job and spends his time watching TV or eating raw beef one month to find a new place. And because Johann cannot physically make him leave within a day, a week or a month, not living in this house and seeing that cunt's face any more than I have to means packing my bags and walking away.

The cunt went out drinking with a friend, and came back drunk at 1am. He came to me in my room and said, do you mind if my friends and I hang out here in my room. Recalling the incident he made me clear my friends out of my room at midnight so he could sleep, I said that I minded and could he please hang out in the kitchen instead. Then he dropped the bomb that he was having girls over and the kitchen wouldn't be too convenient. Nonetheless I said no. I don't have anything against other people having a sex life, but watching any girl fucking an animal is more than I can take, especially when it's the room right next door. I asked him if he was drunk. He said he wasn't, he only drank one beer. Drunk, for sure.

He came back to ask me later how I felt about his need for a month to move out. I broke it to him that actually, I was leaving. He seemed genuinely shocked. He said he felt bad that I was going, he said he liked me. He asked me again and again, why don't you like me. I feel like I've walked this road too many times. Some questions can't be justified with answers. I didn't know whether to tell him that it was because he was a wanker, a bastard, a jerk, a living and breathing and iron-pumping version of satan, or to actually give him some psychiatric analysis of what living in the house has been like in the past month. Whatever it was, we agreed that we could still be friends and I'd still come by, and that if it wasn't for the room maybe we might have gotten along fine.

At 2am he came into my room and said goodnight to me. I don't know why that was necessary when he hasn't done so in ages. It was only when I got up to go take a piss that I realised he'd locked me in. I was furious, and I banged on the door. When he opened it he was smirking at me. I pushed past him, and when I came out of the bathroom, he told me that I was unstable and he didn't feel safe sleeping in that room with me next door. This was coming from the mouth of the guy who came back two hours earlier belching alcoholic fumes, deluded into thinking some chick would want to sacrifice some sleep just to fuck him, with a friend in tow, both so off their faces that I was certain *I* was going to get gang-banged by two of the grossest specimens in the world. This guy, who demanded ARE YOU DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME BECAUSE I'M A WHITE MALE, ARE YOU, ARE YOU? is telling me that I'm unstable. I came too close to losing it.

My last night in this house, I slept in Sonja's vacant room. This house, this bedroom has ceased to become a refuge for me. I hate that cunt with a vengeance. But I believe that my leaving will only be a good thing in the long run. Whatever it is I need, be it peace or reconciliation or strength, I trust it will come to me in due time. This is goodbye, but I can't say it was particularly good while it lasted. Please let it get better.

I am immensely grateful for the support I've had in the past few weeks. Be it from people who called me, spoke to me online, read and replied my emails or sent me text messages. I am thankful for the people I've met here who are just as hurt by this process as I am, and who still love me despite the many unChristian things I have said and done. I will be strong about this. Walk with me, God.

posted by beautiful at 10:56 pm