Despite weeks of resisting Johann's invitations to attend his church, I gave in today. A big part of that decision had to do with wanting to not be in the house, but I think I also wanted to see if going to a different church (a Protestant church) would speak to me after all that's been happening recently.

The service started with praise and worship, which isn't exactly my favourite thing in the world, but which I'm slightly more used to now thanks to the occasional attendance at Friday Mass. There was a 7 or 8 piece band performing including a saxophonist. Although not everyone got into it, I could feel a collective, tangible sense of desire, a great yearning to offer oneself up to God and to praise Him. I think that was probably the best part of the service. I was invited in, welcomed in, and given the opportunity to glimpse another community's faith. In a way I feel privileged, and thankful for being shown how God's spirit is alive, how it is powerful and pro-active and unabashed. Even if it is not in my own life at the present moment.

I recalled a moment in the past when I felt absolutely blown away by a choir's voices.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
Then I heard it come from the pastor's mouth. Those exact phrases from Psalm 119 echoing the memory in my head, almost frisking the contents of my mind and revealing them for everyone else to hear. I don't know why those words suddenly appeared, but they have and they are strangely comforting. The way to experience the Spirit is apparently through the Word, and likewise the Word will lead you to the Spirit.

I have divorced my spiritual life from the secular events of my everyday life. I don't think I consider enough the holistic endeavour which my life should become, or the way a single moment can be made infinitely better if I so much as stopped to remember God by my side. One day when I read this back, I hope this still makes sense. How incredibly loved and blessed I am, beyond my deserving and my own capacity to reciprocate. Thank You God.

posted by beautiful at 10:55 am

The Christian way is too damn hard. I have 1.5 more months left here. I could suck it up and tough it out, and maybe learn how to suffer fools while I'm at it. Yet I feel like the little time I have left shouldn't have to be any harder than it is, and that if I can turn this around and salvage the situation then I should.

I left the house today and wandered off to school to look for housing once more. I bumped into Mike on the way, and he invited me to join him for lunch. After a drink, I climbed the stairs to the housing office, marvelling at how I was making this ascent for the second time. The first time, Saf was by my side, and we were looking for a place for me to get me settled into. Hopefully, for good. Funny how things turn out. I bumped into yet another friend at the housing office, and he asked me over to his place for dinner. Subsequently I saw three apartments, one fully un-equipped, one looking for a tenant till February, and one 20 minutes away from school by bus. I have not been left alone in my search. God has been by my side.

I still don't have any idea where I should go from here though. Does going it the Christian way mean staying and putting myself to the test, or does it mean leaving with dignity, with whatever semblance of a bond still intact, having learnt how to swallow my pride for the sake of people I don't like, but am instructed to love? Where do I draw the line between forgiving seventy-seven times, and having my goodness taken advantage of? There aren't any easy answers to questions like these.

posted by beautiful at 8:57 am