It's scary, and at the same time amazing, how rapidly my spiritual life has declined simply by not having attended cell group in months. By not having picked up my Bible to remind myself of God's promptings, or by not making the effort to pray in earnestness at night. I try, but then my own thoughts ring hollow in my brain, and it feels like no one is listening, and no one is there. I read somewhere about a guy who misses his friends because he has no one with him to put up with his shit. I kinda feel the same way at the moment. I feel like there is no one out there to catch me when I fall, and it feels like I've been sliding into this pit this past week. It's true that I'm insatiable. I freak myself out when as the days go by, I discover the extent of my depravity; the corruptness of my personality and its inability to communicate and love. I want to think that only someone as unlucky as myself could have gotten into a position like this in the first place, but I just know that to a degree, something I did must have entrenched me further in this mess. And I really, honestly want out. Let's weigh my options. I can stay. I can love. I can like. I can smile. I can be civil. I can be genuine. But I cannot be genuine. I cannot suffer fools. I will not. I will not forgive. I will not give the benefit of the doubt. I will not respect. I will not appreciate. I will not extend any kind of charity to my neighbour because I have built him up to be a monster in my eyes.I do not want to be told what to do anymore. I do not want to compromise. I do not want to sacrifice. I do not want to be preached to. I do not want to consider anyone else's feelings but my own. I desire respite from all the needs of others, from the judgement that wells up within me when I come into contact with other people. I don't want to talk things through again, to assert my stand so persuasively only to doubt it later on, I don't want to be greeted with dread when I awake.I think it's time to leave.
posted by beautiful at 7:12 am
