It's been an entire month since the day I left. Last night after the party I went to my room and sat down to pray, for maybe the first time in a long, long while. Life here is literally passing me by without my knowing it, things are happening at such a fast rate and because I don't take the time to reflect about them, they happen and then their significance and and value gets stored away somewhere nebulous and fades with time. The people I meet here, the changing emotions, the refreshing instances when I realise I have learnt something new that's outside my sphere of knowledge: these often get passed over because I get caught up with something else that comes along. The work has been piling up. I wake up early and come home late most days because of school. I spend the moments when I'm not sleeping, cooking and washing up, doing my readings for class. It's gotten to the point where Monday through Thursday, I am going through the necessary motions, with the occasional feelings of weariness and dread slotted in. Then the weekend rolls around and I feel slightly more relaxed because I know I can sleep in a little, with the odd social meeting scheduled in, but yet the sense of dread that follows me through the school week never quite leaves and is extended to the fact that I have to wake up on Sundays at 7 for tennis class. Life has become something of a drudgery, and if this is to continue, and if I let these 13 weeks go by like this, then I'm making a huge mistake somewhere. Because I didn't come here to fall into another pattern of predictability, and hating my life, and transferring that hate to the people around me. Yet I cannot shake off that feeling that I am immensely blessed. I will bear this with patience, and I hope that at the end of the day, I will fulfil that which I came here to do... whatever that is... I hope it will be revealed to me in time.
posted by beautiful at 12:43 am
