Tabula RasaIn the beginning, I was excited about the idea of coming to a foreign land. The implication of starting life on a clean slate meant that I could leave behind the things I disliked, both about myself and about the things in my life. Today I woke up questioning the notion of this newfound freedom to reshape everything that has yet to be set in stone at this moment, and in this place. I'm being overtaken by a weariness that has to do with being away from what is familiar and dear. I've always believed that no one can ever comprehend or understand everything in a relationship with someone else, but that made me miss the point about how in that same relationship there is always at least a basic intimate knowledge of the other party that gives you comfort, ease, security, and all the good things we tend to forget about. I miss having people around who know I am grumpy in the morning, that very often when I look pissed off I'm really just stoning, that I am fussy, yes, anal to the point of obsessiveness, but that's just who I am. I don't share straws, I like things spotlessly clean, I use swear words freely, openly and copiously and in spite of that I am still a decent Catholic girl at heart. I am not homophobic, not towards gay men at least, I like to have fun but when it's time to get things done, I mean business. I might like to laugh and play but I want my own space and I don't like having it intruded upon. Who's going to have to learn all this? Who's even going to try? It is at moments like these that I know just how far away from home I am, and how dreadfully I miss the presence of those whom I take for granted. Indeed I am weary, of putting up a strong front all the time, of keeping my moods in check, of struggling with the tensions of knowing how this clean slate stands before me yet I am still very much the same person and there is nothing I would like to do with this opportunity other than to say: this is me.I am beginning to realise just how much negativity people don't share. No one wants to talk about what hurts, or what bugs them, or what eats them up inside and makes them cry when they are alone. It is amazing, and I know I put up a front a lot of the time, but today I am a little too tired to care. Everything is alright though. I could not ask for more. I know this too shall come to pass.
posted by beautiful at 12:09 am
