Whatever makes her happy on a Saturday night...

I couldn't help but notice that IHM is a beautiful church. I'm not spending too much time at Holy Family these days, which is in a way good because I really miss singing traditional hymns.

Anyway, (omg! where is that awful old woman smell coming from??) dinner at Grapevine was good. It occurred to me that perhaps the north has its redeeming qualities after all. Played pool for the first time in months, since Lisa left actually, and discovered that I really really suck for the lack of practice. But won anyway, because my adversary sunk the 8 ball.

Ingested a horrific amount of carcinogen last night. Charred chicken wings, Ben & Jerry's. Watched four movies but couldn't keep awake, and I overheard plots to be officially uninvited from future sleepovers.

I am thoroughly enjoying every moment of this post-exam bliss.

... Heard Freak Me on the way home and thought of Deborah...

posted by beautiful at 4:49 pm

Here we go again...

I'm not ready for adulthood. I could never be, at the rate things are going. I struggle everyday to be my own person, to march to my own drumbeat... but when something big comes along and I've weighed the pros and cons and I run them by my mum and she says 'it's your decision'...

I freak out big time. I flip. I can live if nobody else affirms my choices in life, but not without her thumbs-up, no I can't. This shouldn't be the way, I know the decisions I make should be centered around God. But sometimes I don't have all that time to bandy about watching for signs, possibly taking in so many different voices that I get so confused to the point where I forget what I even wanted in the first place.

And where does that figure: what I want? Where does what I want enter in the grand scheme of things?

I'm so scared of having to make my bed and lie in it; or wallow in the consequences of making a decision that was governed by my head/heart. I'm pissed that after so much effort has gone into convincing her, and myself, I'm back at square one. I'm also sick and tired of the voice of society telling me I'm worth this much only if I have this much. Screw you, fuck you, damn you.

posted by beautiful at 6:12 am