I'm beginning to see the problems. She talks down to me, she brain washes me into thinking I am not good enough and that I'm not ready to do this or that. She doesn't support me doing the one thing I enjoy and am good at. She loves me and supports me so excessively that I cannot show her how I am capable of standing up for myself.

That's parenting for you. No matter how close to perfect an individual you are, you are gonna fuck your kids lives up. Even without trying, you will. The insecurities and expectations that are already barriers to communication are blown up many times over, simply because of that single blood tie. I can't deal with it, much less deal with the idea that someday I could be that tyrant.

posted by beautiful at 10:34 pm

Maybe I'm irrational. I admit to this much. But I'm NOT sorry for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I don't like them, I don't see why civility should extend beyond acknowledging their presence with a nod and brief upturn of the lips. I don't see why being polite requires me to make conversation. It's not something that comes easily under normal circumstances, much less circumstances such as these.

I don't like the fact that my maid is a snitch who goes to my mum and tells her that I didn't greet my neighbour when he came over to borrow some books. Not because I feel guilty. My mum is upset because she's worried that he'll think she didn't bring me up properly. So this is about you? Selfish bitch. I'm getting to my main point already. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Don't make like there is. AND. I'm not a product solely of your creation, you're giving yourself far too much credit, don't you think?

Let's establish this once and for all. You cannot force me to be insincere. If, as you claim, you snitch about me or confront me to try and get me to change for the better, then 1. you still don't know me very well because that's not the way it works with me. 2. come up with something more convincing. I don't buy into the whole obligation bullshit, the whole giving-face-because-you're-older crap. Maybe I'm irreverent. Try a different tack, dah-ling. I'll spell it out since everyone's so fucking clueless. If you want me to listen, don't make me angry. It's a matter of getting me at the right time and choosing your words carefully. Guilt works like a charm.

'Do you ever make new year resolutions? If you do, 'trying to be nicer' should be at the top of your list'. So that's what this whole thing was leading to. JUST GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK.

posted by beautiful at 2:32 am

Finding peace at 12.12am

Come to think of it, I'm actually not unhappy with who I am. If you overlook the short fuse, neurotic mind, bigotry and pride, I'm not that bad a person.

20 positive things about ME

1. I am steadfast in my beliefs.
2. I don't allow myself to settle for less.
3. I am fiercely loyal to my loved ones.
4. I can be perceptive and subtle.
5. I can have the blind faith of a bull, and I'm not afraid to cut loose.
6. I am surrounded by beauty--in people, things and minute details.
7. I understand the power of expression through words.
8. I am guided by God, who knows what's best for me.
9. I see humour in the oddest things.
10. I like to laugh and I know I can make others laugh. Even if it's by saying the wrong things.
11. I can be intelligent when I try.
12. I try not to let embarrassment take over.
13. I lose myself in music.
14. I can let slip my vulnerable side without having to apologise for it.
15. I have the most wonderful friends and family.
16. I really believe that I am a non-conformist.
17. I can burp in my mum's face but refuse to listen to the details of her colonoscopy.
18. Being well brought up constitutes eating vegetables and not talking during Mass.
19. I am confident enough to challenge and be challenged.
20. I am discovering the different facets of my own character each day.

posted by beautiful at 10:12 am