There's just so much swimming about in my mind now, the words are fighting to spill out before they are forgotten.

So five glorious weeks ended like this; hair by Toni & Guy, make-up by M.A.C., good laughs by the wonderful people I've met. It was an agonising wait for the party to start, but when it started I couldn't hold on to the minutes that flew by. I dreaded the one hour 25 minute shift I was put on, but it ended too quickly.

Having a crush on a dishy hairdresser and pushing the two gays forward to test for straight vibes. Toasting each other merrily even though we barely exhange two words in the office. Having pictures taken together. Meeting their loved ones; their boyfriends and husbands, and feeling happy that they have found each other. Breaking barriers, and misconceptions. Having your best friends come and mingle with each other. Talking about salaries and unfairness and Comme de Garcons suits.

Then the post party slump. The loneliness when you're not surrounded by loud laughter, and the warmth of their personalities. Forgetting grouses, such as 'he's gross', 'she's such a bitch', 'I can't stand her face'... But it was good, and maybe I should be grateful as hell that I've left on such a high note, so it'll be forever romanticised.

I feel like I'm in love with my job, the different people in my office, with my life. I feel that everything has been so worth it, that I've finally found one of the things that I've been looking for. Let it be as good when I go back again, please.

posted by beautiful at 11:43 am

Sometimes everything seems fine until you actually slow down for a moment and let the day's events catch up with you. That's when disaster strikes. I am pissed beyond belief now, because of something that happened today. Because I think there's a conspiracy against me, by my body. Because I hate it when Windows XP doesn't let me open as many fucking windows as I want without compressing them on the taskbar. Because I just don't want to wake up at 8 fucking 15 anymore, I want to wake up as and when I fancy. Cos I'm sick of waiting. Cos school is fucking starting again and I do not want to go back.

And at the end of it all, I must remember who I am indebted to. Who I'm doing this for. Bend my heart according to your will. It's such a bitter pill to swallow. Too difficult, and I don't desire for this to be easy, but I wish that it could be at least fair. That my patience will pay off, that Murphy's law doesn't exist, that fat people don't walk right smack in the middle of a narrow walkway, etc etc etc.

I DON'T HATE MY LIFE PER SE BUT I HATE IT ANYWAY

posted by beautiful at 8:10 am