Having thought about it, I've come to the realisation that this life is not for me, but for You.

How do I reconcile the fact that You gave me free will, autonomous choice, and yet everything happens according to Your ultimate plan, ultimately I'm doing Your work? How then, do I not feel as if I am not merely the clay at Your hand, but a puppet instead?

This is our relationship - I do the complaining, You do the controlling. Me being me, I'm not content to let things be that way. I understand that I'm asking for things to be on my own terms. Talk to me, don't leave me to my own devices when I still need You. Give me counsel.

posted by beautiful at 3:31 am

I'm so fucking tired out - physically, mentally, spiritually. I feel as if all my prayers have just fallen on deaf ears. I get all these sermons from Chris saying that God starts working on our prayers the minute he hears them. Why do I find that so incredibly hard to believe. I'm not sure of what is expected of me, what the hell do You want from me God, cos I have had it up to here, I'm frustrated, I'm losing hope, and I need You but You're no getting through. What will it take?

posted by beautiful at 7:33 pm

I always make the same mistake of putting my trust in others. And so I hate it with every depth of my being when I realise it was misplaced. When people take it and return it with falseness and insincerity.

Do I walk away and say no more? Or do I love where I've been let down, and persevere where I've been shut out?

And for what? Not worth it.

I feel like I'm being told again - there's no basis. This is vanity, isn't it?

posted by beautiful at 5:41 am