Hannah's recent posts have struck a chord. You touch me with your honesty.

I let myself become dependent on capricious objects. I needed things that were less than myself, and what I have, to validate my existence. It says so much, and speaks so little of my character.

Your litany of 'tell me's' evoke a new response. People aren't accountable to you, and don't expect them to be. Unless you care for what they tell you anyway. Constant awareness is the key, to know what one's doing, and its purpose - cut out the surplus. Declutter.

The parting of the red sea can be an elucidating experience.

posted by beautiful at 12:14 am

I got two emails over the past week from the same person about this girl who needed blood. The first one I read a few days ago and deleted, even though like I fit the description of what was needed. I guess I've always been afraid of the blood donation process (I've never done it though) and even in the past when I got similar emails I'd just treat them as hoaxes and either trash them or forward them to eliminate the 'what if it isn't' factor. Anyway I opened the second one today cos it was sent to the school account, and after much deliberation/hesitation/irritation I decided maybe I should call the person up... and I did... And I got the voice mailbox. The person left a message saying that it wasn't 'necessary anymore'. I dunno how to describe how I felt then - horror? shock? confusion? RELIEF? Oh goodness, I sound so callous, but I'm only being honest. And guilt kicked in with twice the force. Maybe I waited too long? Urgh, I don't know. And yes, this has a lot to do with how my conscience will be my judge.

posted by beautiful at 3:16 am

Right, 8 hours later it has finally hit me. I am a mixture of strength and weakness right now. The pain in the roof of my mouth is a reminder of the copious amounts of potato balls I sucked on last night, and the song that echoes in my head is Rainy Days and Mondays, because she sang it on Sunday. And lastly the feeling that reverberates is how she's finally gone. And it feels like the words to a song, in the words of Brett Anderson. I sigh.

posted by beautiful at 7:16 pm

I just got back from Lisa's, where we spent our last few hours together packing her stuff and surfing the net together. The realisation that she is leaving in 2 hours' time has not sunk in yet. Watch this space for an impending breakdown.

posted by beautiful at 11:42 am