I've changed! Yes I have. I've become stupider and much less confident of myself. I mean, my self assurance has always been to an extent, a mask. It has dissolved and there is now nothing there. I am scared of the implications of this, but not too scared to admit it. Now what? And more importantly, what the hell was I doing before this? I must keep repeating and believing the old tale - stupidity is really important, one must go through life like a bull in a china shop, to have a bit of confidence based on absolutely nothing at all. Someone is trying to tell me that I am fallible.

posted by beautiful at 7:45 pm

Am I being too spoiled? I just spoke to someone this evening about university life and this person was saying that his motivation for studying hard and possibly pursuing even a PhD is so that he can maintain his lifestyle and give his kids a life like the one he leads now. I was gobsmacked. Surprised that someone can have such ambition and drive. Shocked that I myself just think of me, myself and my misery in school.

Then again there are two schools of thought.

One says the key to the future is in the now. Each grade counts towards the final. Each year therefore determines which path your career takes/the salary you earn/the respect you get. This school says your future lies in your hands.

The other school says that, well, what you do now should not and will not have any bearing on how you lead your life beyond graduation. That no matter how or what you do, every moment is still a second chance to start anew.

Life is such that the decisions we make are constantly being affected by the people around us. I'm not talking about bossy parents dictating our every move, I mean we conform our thinking to those of others so that we fit in - there is after all, safety in numbers. But where do I really stand on this subject, and no matter what my 'conviction', will I be brave enough to follow through on it?

And no matter what I choose, God will provide. The Jesus school of thought invites me not to worry but to trust in Him, and not to be afraid. Suddenly everything seems so much clearer.

posted by beautiful at 8:32 am

Seriously, what happened to plain old loyalty nowadays? Anyone would be hard-pressed to find someone who would actually not stab you in the back, or make use of you, or go back on his/her word!!!! What happened to a sense of fucking DECENCY!!!! I'm not putting up with this shit. I hope that all these people who have no idea of what is right or wrong get what they deserve one day. Fucking HYPOCRITES.

posted by beautiful at 6:00 am