My friends judge my friends just as I judge theirs. (Make any sense?) Somehow I believe I am a better judge than they are, and this is without acknowledging that judging people is wrong in the first place. Why do I only get angry in hindsight? Like at the end of the day when my thoughts drift to earlier events, when I replay conversations in my mind, only then do I start to feel. As if I was incapable of doing so at the precise moment. Could I have lagged for hours before my mind registered whatever unpleasant event had taken place? Why is this always happening to me? Because if I had paid more attention then, a fight would have broken out? But this phenomenon of me only remembering things much later causes me to bear grudges. To think 'Shit, I should have said this or this or this. Dammit.' And I know we're all capable of being jerks and bitches, but why is it so hard to accept a jerk or bitch when he or she isn't me? I find myself being able to make excuses for certain people but not for others. What's this, preferential treatment? Am I a bigot? It's always a struggle between 'Should I be brutally honest, just let it out in her face' or 'Should I be watch what I say because I don't want to hurt her' or 'Should I keep quiet because I'm called to love'... Is friendship like food groups, everyone in small doses before
A. Excess contact/ingestion causes irrevocable damage to health (eg. constipation)
B. You get sick of a certain food and never want to eat it again
C. You...
Too many questions. Sometimes it is not necessary to question so much. Who's going to answer me anyway?

posted by beautiful at 8:09 am

The week is half over and I'm happy. Metaphorically. Actually I feel crappy, as if this tension of opposites is just taking me nowhere. Like as if wanting and not wanting has resulted in me just sitting here, waiting for something to explode. It's funny how someday I will wish I was 18 again, conveniently forgetting moments like this when I'm totally unsure of myself and what to do. No, I am waiting for anything to happen.

posted by beautiful at 3:53 am