Cherry, I just read your blog and I have so many things I want to tell you but I don't know where to start. Your experience is damn unfortunate, and I think the blow must be great because we left school young, naive and idealistic and now you've seen the ugly, bitter side of your dream. It's not easy to accept that everything you once believed in was simply what you wanted it to be. My story is not the same, but I think it is still similar.

I am a nasty customer myself. I am every salesgirl's worst nightmare because I am bitchy and I am angry and I will tear you down because you are a salesgirl with only a bloody ITE cert. And I have fooled myself into thinking that because I have seen the worst, I can be the best, and so I will excel in the retail industry. I will grin and bear it. Yeah right. So far I have been rude back to almost every nasty customer. I have not-so-disceetly pushed away all those demanding people and waved them to my superviser, as if they are not worth my time. I don't want to handle these bastards. I don't know how to handle these bastards. My brother tells me, Retail is not for you. My mother tells me, You're too immature, you can't even handle those people. What will your superviser think whenever you make her do the dirty work? Inadquate. Incapable of holding your ground. How can you go overseas when you call me three times a day to complain about a bad day at work?

And so I see that my own family members don't have faith in me to perform. All my life, the only thing I'd been good at was being a mugger. I went to school although I hated it, I listened, I did the homework, I handed in the assignments on time, I got OK results. But as a person I have failed. I am a disappointment to my mother, an imperfect being to my father and a spoiled and dependent sister to my brothers. Perhaps to my boss, I am inadequate. Incapable of holding my ground. I have never felt so low in my life. Those times I walked around with my hed held high, it was just a facade. Because confidence was and is an asset, I had to own it. Never mind that it was a lie. I don't even believe in myself anymore.

If getting my parents to listen to me about my future plans is going to be so difficult, is going to be an obstacle to the future in itself, then I don't want the future. I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to be in retail and meet bastards all day, but at least my parents will agree with the money I am earning. At least they will smile and think Oh she's so grown up now that she works 5 days a week, even on public holidays. I'm sick and tired of all this shit - this numb waiting for the results, which will determine the next step. I hate this uncertainty, of not knowing where to go, of not knowing when my parents will next change their mind. I hate having to face all these rich, arrogant bastards who believe the customer is always right. I hate to swallow my pride and smile facetiously, because my superviser is watching. I hate myself because I've let everyone down, because no one is proud of me, and because I don't know what I want anymore.

posted by beautiful at 7:56 pm

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!
To all at home, and to all who are out of sight but not out of mind: May everyone enjoy good health, prosperity and an abundance of knowledge in the new year! In case no one has realised it yet, the results will be out in about four weeks time, so may we all yield decent grades and enjoy advancement in life as well!

posted by beautiful at 12:50 am

We hit 100% of our target and so we'll get commission. I'm glad because I am in dire need of cash - I've never thought about how easy it was as a student, I'd just reach out my hand every Sunday night for allowance and squander it over the week, and so the cycle continued. Now the only thing I don't pay for is transportation and phone bills. Already I feel this tremendous strain on my bank balance, and if I were to keep this job and not go back to school, I'd survive just fine - provided I never moved out, took buses everywhere and ate a loaf of Gardenia every week till I died of nutritional deficiency. Enough ranting about my money problems.

At lunch my mum was telling me a story. She said she had dreamt of a friend with whom she had lost touch, and she woke up wishing she could somehow get in touch with her again. Then when she sat down to write a chinese new year card, she chanced upon an unused card, which turned out to be an old card from the same friend she had dreamt about. While she was sharing with me this incident [which could only have come about through God's grace], I found myself thinking of certain people with whom I'd lost touch and I'd just die to hear from again. And this afternoon, something happened that could only have come about through God's grace. I activated my ICQ program, something I don't do too often lately, and was just elated to see an old friend online, someone I've not spoken to for six months, someone whom I was convinced had died. Yes, my paranoia tends to kick in after an extended period of broken communication, but this person was a friend, and friends matter. We exchanged news at lightning speed, as if to make up for lost time, as if we could squeeze every drop of companionship out of that short sixty minutes. And honestly I have no idea when I'll hear from this person again. But I think I can trust God enough to bring us into contact again, and maybe I can rely on an old promise from this other party: I'd find ya. Have some blind faith.

posted by beautiful at 7:45 am

Suede has come and gone. I was too tired to be high after the show, and that's one thing I regret. For the time being I can't bring myself to listen to anything else so I sit in silence on the way to work and on the way home. It's like, why in the world would you want anything more when you have already experienced the best? I sigh now, half contentedly, half wistfully. Of course I understand that they have to leave, that the concert cannot drag on for days just to please me [and anyway I would go deaf and immobile] and that all good things will come to an end - the important thing is to live the moment while you can. I think I did, I didn't leave Fort Canning Park immaculate. I didn't leave till I was hoarse. One thing that saddens me is how aware of the emptiness that would come when they left, and how that made me wish that they wouldn't start in the first place. I'm either growing up or thinking too much.

Oh I'm getting my pay today!! But that's nothing to rejoice about cos I'm supposed to save it... sigh...

posted by beautiful at 7:30 pm