I've been waiting so long for the release of Obsessions in Singapore that I dreamt about it - what was that they said about dreams being a form of wish fulfilment? Five of them, Brett, Neil [not Alex], Mat, Simon and Richard, in cartoon figure form, standing around playing their respective instruments. Brett looked drugged. I was distinctly pleased about Neil's appearance, even in the dream. Anyways the band are going to be around for the MTV Asia Awards next year, and I bet they're going to present some award to some undeserving creep. Hope they don't perform any songs, it'd be a joke, people are there for mainstream pop acts, not real music. It'd be totally commercialised, and nobody would understand what they're singing about anyway.

I have come to understand that people have different ideas of friendship everywhere. My brother Jon is an extremist in his own way, he would fly all the way to New York to attend his best friend's grad ceremony, and he would lie to his officers just to get a holiday to spend time with the same guy. There is a price for this, and that price is Valerie. I look around me and I see all these people I regard as friends, and yesterday it hit me hard that mass-labelling is no longer acceptable. Inward groan as I realise I have to start stock-taking again. Thinking about what I really have and who I really should be thankful for. Personally, for me, I think that if all I have with someone is a fun-and-laughter relationship, it's going to just dissolve in no time. Now I know, I can say good-bye without regrets, because there's no point hanging onto something shallow. For me, friendship is when you can sit there and talk about real problems you don't expect anyone else to understand, or when you sit there quietly because what's in each others' hearts is enough to fill the silence.

posted by beautiful at 7:42 pm

Happy Birthday Paul!!
I'm so sorry I'm one day late with this, I gotta admit I considered cheating by editing the previous blog so it looked as if I did remember, but then... Anyways, Christmas is at Aud's house, so just come home soon!

posted by beautiful at 7:03 pm

Removed everything from my shelves and now instead of dozens of pens, post-its, papers and junk, there are photo frames galore. It actually looks like a proper dining room now, instead of the study room I've made out of it for the past 6 years. It is, once again, a symbolic removal of my days of youth. I won't be needing the place to study at anymore, and I'm half pleased, yet half nostalgic. I almost wish I were back in school.

Throwing away all those papers and post-its made me realise just how much knowledge I've amassed. My Literature file has been sealed in a plastic bag and put away at the top of my wardrobe, in case I should need it at university. If I had a choice, I would re-do my two years of junior college, because finally I have started to think, and feel, and cry. You know you've learnt something when you look at humanity and suddenly are reminded of Sassoon, or John Donne. You know you've embarked on a journey of life-long learning when you start to read beyond the classroom. You know you've grown up when you're sitting in Starbucks and talking about the paradoxes of life. You know you're smarter than you've ever been when you read those books and you examine yourself and accept that this is the human condition. You're here just as everyone has been here - these tears that you shed over the recognition of tragedy, these sounds of laughter you hear from the comic sight of tragedy: it's a glimmer of salvation.
If I'm mad, then we're all mad. I want to learn some more.

posted by beautiful at 12:17 am

I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB!

posted by beautiful at 8:47 pm

No news about any job so far, and I'm beginning to get a little irritated. I don't understand how thousands of ah-lians out there have no problem bagging jobs with their crap language skills and supposedly lousy customer service - while HERE I am, ready to give back to the economy all that I've taken, ready to do my best for anyone who will employ me, resplendent with my post A level glow and superior spoken English - AND NO ONE WANTS ME! Why am I inferior to the other candidates? Why won't anyone give me a chance? Boo hoo hoo. I'm not being conceited here, mind you, it's just that I am willing to learn and willing to try and willing to not be a bitch so as to boost the ailing service industry here, and I am not frigging stupid, so what's the matter with me?

Anyway, before I give myself a heart attack, I developed my prom photos today. I am amazed at how beautiful the view of Room 1704 looks, even on film. For a teensy moment I was back there in the room, Hannah and I, after the prom, not wanting to get out of my dress and make-up... not wanting to engage in the symbolic removal of my JC life. Hannah sings Forever Young then urges me not to get sentimental. My waterproof mascara never gets the chance to prove itself.

Well the pictures are lovely. I just hope I'm still friends will all these people in the years to come, not merely people who pass each other on the street as 'has-beens and never-will-be's'...

posted by beautiful at 1:29 am