The tamest of my hamsters got away last night. My brother took it out to play and when he put it back it jumped out of his hand and ran away. My loss is irrevocable. Now I understand the biblical story of the sheep that was lost, and how the master would have done anything to get that one sheep back.

posted by beautiful at 5:04 pm

BL is still irritable. BL hates it when her mum asks her to pass messages around for her, especially when BL has exam fears to manage and lacks sleep and generally hates the world. BL gets even more pissed off when her mum wants her to pass messages to the drunkard brother of hers. Bloody hell. *grumble stomp and throws tantrum*
I R R I T A B L E

posted by beautiful at 5:55 am

For about the fifth or sixth time, UBC has rejected my online application. It's so frustrating because each time I retry I have to fill in the whole form all over again. It's worse than the time I lost my personal statement on the UCAS form, because at least that was done by the second attempt. *bangs keyboard* Arghh. Why does this shit keep happening to me?
I still haven't caught up on my sleep debt. Rings are rapidly forming under my eyes. Despite my valiant efforts to wake up around 7am everyday, I take at least 15 minutes more to drag myself out of bed. Then once I'm out of bed I can't help but stone, or wonder what to do when obviously I should be hitting the books. I'm so sick of studying.
I'm so mad at myself for absorbing the Singaporean culture of being obsessed with exams and all that. It's so 'low-life'. But I can't help it.
Father Erbin asks 'Who's lucky enough to have people carry on hoping for you when you can't?' Well, I am. Thank you to all those who believe I can do it. Though I can't find the faith, and I suspect I never could.

posted by beautiful at 5:01 am

Guess what time BL woke up this morning? 4am. Guess why BL woke up at 4am. Because BL's wayward brother came home drunk and was puking all night long into her dustbin just outside her room. And BL was aware of it all the moment her dad came out to ask him if he was ok. Then of course she couldn't get back to sleep because can you imagine what it's like to be lying in bed with your bedroom door open and someone outside upchucking every ten minutes? And in case there were any pungent aromas BL pulled the cover up over her head and soon found herself suffocating in her home-made sauna. And BL was part fuming about someone's inconsideration, part wanting to sleep badly, part aware that she'd hafta wake up in 3 hours time to study. But of course you don't get back to sleep because not only has your REM cycle been disturbed, the newspapers start going around, road works start and everyone else in the BL family gets up for work. So BL lay in bed from 4am to 7am with a blanket over her head, feeling absolutely miserable. Rise and shine!

posted by beautiful at 5:51 pm

I met Deborah for dinner today and I feel quite bad now because I realised I whined my ass off about the A's and not only was it annoying, I think it must've been distressing for her to see me so wound up. She told me to stop it. It didn't make the fear go away though! Hmm. I'm scared witless. The whole time we were walking around this guilt kept swimming around in my guts. I hate myself for letting this shit affect me. It shouldn't.
We saw this poor old man begging for money in the underpass at Tangs and at first we walked right past him. My stomach lurched as we walked on because he looked so pitiful, so old and so helpless. Then she looked at me and I looked at her and then she said 'Why'd we do that?' and I said 'I don't know' so we walked back and gave him some money. I think I've found my reason for being. Your life's not worth very much if you don't use it to help others.
Sometimes it's not so much the matter of what will I do with my life... perhaps it's more a question of what can I do with my life? To put it in that perspective, ideally there's nothing we can't do. Ah well.

posted by beautiful at 5:25 am

SUEDE

posted by beautiful at 3:26 am

To Soulitary and Dyseluxon, and all who are despairing

This is the ultimate cheeseball, cliched line but you guys are not alone. I too, have a million and one other things on my mind apart from the books. I would also jump at the chance to go on a night out [provided I stay home all day to ease the guilt!] and yes, I'm wondering who's gonna do my hair and makeup if Valerie goes on a flight. But remember, we have trained makeup designers around us *looks pointedly at Hannah* and if all else fails we shall buy a Kevin Aucoin book. No worries.

The niggling worry at the back of our minds can only be a destructive force. If for one moment in our down and out lives, we were to be totally idealistic, this is the time to be it. We have studied for so many frigging common tests all year round, we know the material, it's just that we don't remember it. Don't let the stress of 'what if I flunk the A's' or 'what if I don't make it into university' pull you down like a ton of bricks. Just tell yourself you'll do your best, be it 3A's or 3D's. God will do what is right in His sight -Hannah you told me this when we did our O levels. Besides, I've always believed things happen for a reason. We can't always look at the A levels as something that will affect our lives. You can't give it that much power if you don't want to, know what I mean? And look, we're in Arts, for crying out loud. How much studying will get us through? Think about it, if we had 10 more days to study would we? I swear I wouldn't, I'd just give up. I'll do my best, may God do the rest.

*hug* Don't worry. Remember how we always tell ourselves we're smarter than Science buggers cos we need to do so much more thinking than they do? Besides, it's just one more month before PAR-TAY!

Disclaimer: Hope you all realise I'm saying all this to convince myself too? Not cos I really believe it? I don't have that much faith. And how come no one cares that Suede is top again? *WHINE* In case no one notices, my mood is posted at the top left hand corner of the window. I'm so brilliant aren't I...

posted by beautiful at 11:42 pm

Oh yeah Suede tops Asia Hitlist for second week in a row!
Send me congratulatory hugs, kisses and cuddles!

posted by beautiful at 3:47 am

My brother bought me a Vanity Fair magazine and told me it's useful for GP. I'm trying to decide if it's some sort of riddle.

posted by beautiful at 3:44 am