And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what's in my head
And I'm, I'm feeling a lil peculiar
And so I wake up in the morning and I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs 'What's going on?'
- 4 Non Blondes

posted by beautiful at 7:01 am

It's been one of those funny weekends with a hellotta ups and downs. Let's start with the ups: I ran into Aloysius at Mass yesterday and I spoke to him briefly after everything. He's lost so much weight I was shocked, and I was thinking it's probably the effect of him working his ass off to graduate next May. I felt so sad in a way, because to see someone you respect after such a long time and to see how his form has just declined, it's truly scary. Well, I also saw my very cute, very hunky and very smiley neighbour last night as I was standing near my door and he was on his way out. I smiled at him and he smiled back, and well, something as mundane as that has made me very pleased. The third and biggest up of all - I saw the Suede showcase on MTV today and it was fantastic seeing and hearing all those things I missed out in August - like the way Brett shakes his hips *lol* Disillusioned - his jeans aren't as skin-tight as we thought, and yes they are boot-cut like you said. =)
Life, being the funny bitch she is, just wouldn't be complete without me doing a few things I do not feel proud of this weekend. For instance, I took a gigantic bite of the hand that has been feeding me all my life. I hurt my father's feelings by snapping at him and by raising my voice everytime he tried to initiate conversation with me. I don't understand why I still treat him this way, I've been praying so much that I'll be a better daughter, but each time I still put my own feelings above his and tear him down with my caustic comments. Honestly I feel like the biggest prat in the whole fucking world. Today I was praying next to him again, and I was just wondering, surely my father deserves better treatment from his own daughter? I condemn Cordelia for not according Lear with the 3 simple words he longs to hear: I love you. And yet I go about my life behaving like a Gonerill, not respecting him for what he has done for me, and constantly sneering at him for what he hasn't done. And the man that he is, who loves me more than anything else, he just hides his hurt behind a smile and never loses his temper. Why do I still do this to him?
It is the human condition, I suppose, to hurt the people you love, and to feel the most let down by them. But this an excuse I cannot use to justify my actions. Then again, sometimes I'm not so sure if there's any love in me. How can there be, when all I do is inflict pain on people who care?

posted by beautiful at 6:58 am

Howling Medullae
I had a phone call from Gerald today and he said your mum said you'd be back around 20+ December. So I'm looking foward to that cos by then the exams would be over and hopefully we can all spend Christmas together. It's supposed to be Aud's house this year righr? Please please come home before then.
Anyway, I'm honoured to be one of those few people are brutally frank to your face. I wrote a petition for you and some others yesterday. Hehehe. Ok so just keep your head above the water, and until I hear from you or of you again, adios boob-brain!
p/s. What's with you and Gerald asking me to do your homework for you HUH? Lazy ol' buggers....

posted by beautiful at 10:56 pm

Friday: Never hesitate
I did some baking today and I am currently feeling satisfied with myself. Even though I couldn't do more than half of the Raffles paper one. Screw it! I feel like Mrs Jamie Oliver ;) Watching the show is indeed inspiring, and you know, the rewards of doing something with your very own hands is just so great. Melting maragarine in a saucepan was never so easy!
The McGill prospectus came in today while I was in the kitchen. While the muffins were in the oven [oh I didn't mention I made apple and raisin muffins] I was looking at it, feeling sort of intrigued. This is a school that I will be applying to. Weird huh, considering how I very often feel like I'm still a little kid. University is a big word, a big step, a big deal. McGill's arts faculty is the largest, so that's quite comforting because then it must be established. *grin* I feel like such a big girl today.
'Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday Wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love
I dont care if Monday's black
Tuesday Wednesday heart attack
Thursday never looking back
It's Friday I'm in love
Monday you can hold your head
Tuesday Wednesday stay in bed
On Thursday watch the walls instead
It's Friday I'm in love'
- The Cure
no pun ;)

posted by beautiful at 2:57 am

There's a King Lear in my life. Is there one in yours?

posted by beautiful at 10:53 pm

...Like...mushrooms...
Near Martinpuisch that night of hell
Two men were struck by the same shell,
Together tumbling in one heap
Senseless and limp like slaughtered sheep.

One was a pale eighteen-year-old,
Blue-eyed and thin and not too bold,
Pressed for the war ten years too soon,
The shame and pity of his platoon.

The other came from far-off lands
With bristling chin and whiskered hands,
He had known death and hell before
In Mexico and Ecuador.

Yet in his death this cut-throat wild
Groaned "Mother! Mother!" like a child,
While that poor innocent in man's clothes
Died cursing God with brutal oaths.

Old Seargeant Smith, kindest of men,
Wrote out two copies there and then
Of his accustomed funeral speech
To cheer the womenfolk of each: -

"He died a hero's death: and we
His comrades of 'A' company
Deeply regret his death; we shall
All deeply miss so true a pal."
The Leveller, by Robert Graves

I don't think today passed slowly enough for me to take in the different things that made it special. I can't say I enjoyed myself, the whole day was just too bittersweet for me to savour. Bitter because as Deb says, we're all going to scatter after the A's, some will go off on holiday and some will retreat into their own lives, some will just...fade away. She says she's definitely going to change when she flies off to the US next year and so I asked her, for the better or the worse? She shrugged. I asked her if we'd still remain friends, and she said of course we would. At that moment I was looking at the photo by her bed - one that I gave her, one of she and I and a few others at Christmas two years ago. There was an intangible sense of loss right then.
For once I have no words to say. I'm sorry.

posted by beautiful at 2:36 am

Which Magical Order Are You In?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are an Elementalist. Your magic stems from the forces of nature. You might be a forest nuturing Druid, a storm-creating Weather-Wizard or any of the many Elementals, but one thing is sure-- your bond with nature is strong. You can rely heavily on nature to support yourself aesthetically or physically for it lends you both comfort and strength. Your instincts rarely fail you. You are vibrantly passionate but are sometimes carried away by your own emotions.

posted by beautiful at 8:20 pm

What type of artist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're a modern/pop artist. You have the ability to turn your problems into bright, colorful works of art. People like being around you because you make them smile. Kudos! As if!

posted by beautiful at 8:10 pm

Howling Medullae: it's UBC, you IDIOT!

posted by beautiful at 8:00 pm

My mum hears what I say, but she doesn't listen. We've had arguments for the past 4 consecutive days and honestly I've been trying very hard not to let these petty things blow up into cold wars. It's very easy for something that started out as a molehill to balloon into a mountain.
I hate being told what to do because I'm a proud person. When my mum tells me things, or rather, 'gives me advice', I get the feeling she expects me to take it up. I feel that just because she gives me advice, I am obliged to do what she says. Today the argument was about the bond from scholarships. She was saying that a six year bond passes very fast. Now, since bloody when did I ever open my big fat mouth about the length of any bond? I never complained about it, in fact I think bonds are god-sends because then you know you've got a secure job for at least 4-6 years upon graduation. She was citing her own experience being bonded to the ministry as one that passed really fast, blah blah and how 6 years of teaching isn't a bad thing [cos she herself did like 25] - 'where else do you get 1 month holiday at one shot' etc etc etc. So I told her that she was telling me what I already know. Then she got mad with me and said if she was telling me what I already know then there'd be no point for her talking to me at all.
What does she bloody expect me to say? "Yes ok I will be an MOE scholar and devote 6 years of my youth to teaching fucked up Singaporean brats who can already spell 'condominium' in kindergarten?" NO, all right? NO I will not take become a teacher. NO this is my life and I'm not that desperate to go to Canada. NO I will not listen to you. NO NO NO. I don't get it, why the hell is she advising me to become what she hated being for so much of her life? She's got this belief system that tells her as long as someone offers you a way out of your life, you take it even if the consequences are not what you wanted, ie. if MOE offers me a scholarship to teach, just bloody do it. The way I see it, you do what your heart wants you to do. The way I see it, you spend your life doing what you want to do, not do what others think you should do. I know she's my mother and she has the right to tell me things and push me in certain directions, but if she wants me to behave like an adult, then I say at 18 years old she should get off my back and stop treating me like a kid. Perhaps she doesn't realise that I have my own brain and I can make my own decisions and I have enough initiative to open my mouth and ask questions if the need arises.
I'm not saying I'm too good for her to give me advice, and neither am I saying that her advice is worthless trash. I just need my own space and I need to be respected as a person who can think and do things for herself. Then again, I'm just a daughter and I can never win. How can I?

posted by beautiful at 7:53 pm

I can fit into my prom dress!

posted by beautiful at 7:56 am

People act so nice to u...but u know its just a mask.To hell with that.Kids here just look out for themselves.Fronts suck. Was just thinking about the pple here who have made an impression on me...theres a handful...not to generalise...but the most of the young ones have....maybe because they're still young and innocent at heart.
Howling Medullae [it's a BIOLOGY term - that constitutes cheating! *obstinate look*]
Well, Soulitary quoted the Bible once. Something about how we all need to be as smart as wolves but as innocent as sheep. [some help here, please] Disillusioned: why can't we show our true self? is it that when we do others would not accpet us? or is it that we ourselves, are unable to accept the ugly beings that we are?
We're the young ones - it's from a Cliff Richard song - and we "shouldn't be afraid". My mum always says that when she was young she was fearless, and that's why she had the guts to wear a fluorescent pink bikini. Fear prevents us from being who we should be, because we're all afraid of getting hurt. It's natural as we grow older because we have seen and felt more. To be yourself and not care what others think takes a hellotta guts and I respect anyone who can do it. I have always disliked social pretense. Paul, the thing about people looking out for themselves - it's only beause no one else will. Well if you're lucky enough to have friends who care, good for you, but lots of people don't have such blessings. It's not right to just think of yourself all the time, I admit, but try and see that there is a lot of vulnerability inside everybody. There are not many people who have the courage to step out and say 'this is me - take me for what I am'. Because you know it, and I know it, people accept those who are acceptable by individual standards, and they reject whoever falls short. The day we eradicate judgement and we eradicate fear, we'll talk about this again. Till then [and I'm only saying this cos you're a guy and you shouldn't be sensitive to my callous remarks anymore] deal with it.

posted by beautiful at 7:42 am

Six kittens in a box - how apt. My mum got the animal council to come take the cats away today, and incidentally the men came while the mother was off searching for food. There were six kittens hiding in the plants, not more than a week old I reckon. The mother must have given birth right there outside my window. When the mother cat came back and discovered her kittens were gone she went berserk mewing away and it was heart-wrenching. I could see her banging her nose against the tortoise tank. Shit, I feel like a bloody kitten murderer and family tear-upper. No way are they gonna survive without milk - they were so young they just stumbled around the box the men took them away in. All grey, just like their mother.
The MTV team replied me already. It's been more than 7 working days. They were sorry about the error [which is bound to happen sometimes] and they conveniently referred me to the SCV people. We call this 'efficiency' in Singapore.
Oh and I feel like such a bitch but I sent an email to this 8days reporter because she called Neil Codling a 'drummer'. Piss off! I told her nicely that I was a fan and that she should be informed that he was the keyboardist. Me being nice didn't take as much effort as I expected. I was going to be really nasty about the mistake but I stopped myself because..just in case I become a writer next time..y'know?
Chloe
You're all right, I have faith in you. Anytime you feel like you're going crazy just leave me a message on ICQ, or here, or wherever. [That leaves email only] If you need any help or what just let me know. You are not a yellow-skinned moron!! I can't believe you are becoming so down. You have to believe in yourself and start making things happen. Now go get 'em!
Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come follow me and I will give you rest.

posted by beautiful at 7:20 am

How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sorrowdweller: You are not overcome by anger nor happiness. Your emotions are pretty well balanced, but you do tend to get somewhat emotional at times leaning towards depression and saddness. You have your own views of the world and while you do not see the beauty of life, you are not completely overwhelmed by darkness. Live and let live just because.

posted by beautiful at 6:59 am

Vaughn is dead!
Such is love. I think he did it for Sydney. It's such a horrible way to die, to drown to death. You may think this is unusual of me to think he did such a romantic thing but you know, I truly believe it. I mean, he put his job on the line and all. Ok you wanna hit me because I'm not supposed to gush about it but hey, Vaughn loved Sydney.
By the way, Soulitary, you did not comment on the tennis thing. I demand a comment.
I am first and foremost called to love...
I have a friend called Aloysius. He's someone really smart and I admire him very much because he's got such a strong spiritual life, and it inspires me. He once told me about his friend who was streetwise and knowledgeable about life's realities, as opposed to some people who can be very myopic. I retorted something about how that's not being streetwise, that's just being cynical. Now, I think that was me being cynical.
And I quote him now:
cynical is when you are streetwise and conscious of realities and then you hate the world.
Christianity is when you are streetwise and conscious of realities and then you love the world - as Jesus does, because Jesus does...

and seeing that you are part of this world that is imperfect but yet so loved by HIM...

posted by beautiful at 5:14 am

Soulitary, I am sorry I deleted the post. It wasn't meant to be seen by anyone! I was filling in my personal statement and the first time everything was lost so the second time I copied and pasted it onto my blog, meaning to delete it but I forgot. In answer to your question, I don't play tennis, I just have an interest in the sport - besides, we did spend a few PE lessons playing, and I played it once in my free time. So technically outside school, I do engage in tennis ok? And the swimming part was swimming/tanning but no one has to know. Keep quiet about it.
I am so tired now. Lisa and I went walking again and we have discovered the gay hangout! For those who don't know, Katong Park is the second Changi of Singapore. We took a turn on the beach up towards Tg Rhu instead of down towards school, and as we were coming back, we saw all these decently dressed guys climbing a stile and walking along this rather dirty and concealed path into a barren wasteland. Rumour has it that there is a secluded nudist beach hidden somewhere further inside before the ECP meets the sea, and to get here you need to swim across a canal. Ah-hah! Lisa wants to investigate sometime but I don't think I could do that with her. I don't have enough guts.
I think they're showing the last episode of Alias tonight. Adios forever, Michael Vaughn.
Disillusioned came over to help me with that stupid form. Thank you so much my dear. You are so kind.
Oh and many many thanks to a certain Superhero who helped me with my shouting box or whatever you call it. =)

posted by beautiful at 5:23 am