It is easy to say yes with your lips, but so difficult to say yes with your heart.
Disillusioned and I were walking through the crowded masses of people at the Esplanade today. Some people were trying to use their prams as weapons against the advancing faces, literally ramming their babies in our faces, seeming to take for granted that we'd give way to them. Of course our hackles started to rise and we swore that we'd start a brawl with the next person who stopped right in their tracks in the middle of nowhere/ pushed us forward/ used their prams as weapons. We never did get to start a brawl. I think things must've gotten better. It works that way doesn't it? First impressions always prove you wrong.
I finished reading Straight Talking by Jane Green earlier this week. The persona, Tasha, was talking about how people binge because they try to satisfy this emotional hunger inside. I think that's so true. Whenever I get bored, depressed and restless I'd go into the kitchen and poke around the cabinets. I realise that I've been doing it more and more since I entered this school and this probably accounts for my massive weight gain. 10 kilos. I used to tell myself that a skyhigh metabolism rate was the cause of my one-hour-after-dinner scavenger hunts in the fridge, but now I think it's more than physical hunger. It's an insatiable need for more love, more attention, better grades, better life. This week, after going through hell in the last, I have come to be much more appreciative of my current position in life. I know that some things we want are way out of our control. I also know that what I have now is sufficient for me to get through my life. God will never put on my shoulders more than I can handle. And besides, everything [good or bad] happens for a reason. My wants are superfluous. My needs are fulfilled.
Strange eh, Irene seems to think I've lost weight.

posted by beautiful at 7:05 am

One thing that struck me today as all of us were sitting on the studio floor was how depressed we all look. How vulnerable. How insane. Why is it that the people I have come to know and love are hurting so much? These are the people who've always put up a tough front, made jokes about their sad, sad lives and laughed off their inner pain. I saw these things:

1. Fear, in its raw form, the kind that literally makes you writhe on the floor
2. Hurt, that comes out in howls and quivering bodies
3. Loneliness, in your face
4. Confusion. 18 years old and still as unknowing as when we were 10
5. Breakdown. Need I say more?

Why do we put on this false veneer over our true selves? I think today we cried because we recognised that false front in others, the kind we are ashamed to reveal in ourselves.

"Lazy, bored, lazy, bored." That's just one side of me I saw in the mirror today. Other times I see sadness in my eyes, other times I see beauty. [not the narcissistic kind] I'm sure the disillusioned and solitary ones among us don't just see what they saw today either. Have you taken a good look at yourselves recently? My darlings, when I look at you I see eyes that crinkle with laughter, mouths that turn up with smiles and faces that tell stories of a good life. When I saw you on the studio floor today I felt this sadness. For us. I love you guys.

Where you going with the mask I found? And I feel and I feel when the dogs begin to smell her.
Will she smell alone?
And I feel so much depends on the weather. So is it raining in your bedroom and I see that these are eyes of disarray.
Would you even care?
And I feel it and she feels it.
- Stone Temple Pilots

posted by beautiful at 7:02 am

I'm exceptionally artistic!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.


Virtues: You look for immense creativity and individuality in people, including yourself. You're not happy with anything less than brilliant, and you focus on being expressive. You value energy, liveliness, and upbeat personalities, but you're not supportive of moodiness when you yourself can be unreliably moody. Seeking activity, you like the bustle of business but need the secluded atmosphere of a studio or private corner.

Aspirations: You feel the need to express your talents, whether it be through writing, drawing, singing, dancing, composing, performing, or photographing. While you strive to ever improve your work, you want to display it as soon as possible when your impatience kicks in. You want to be a prodigy but you might not have the means right at your fingertips. Trust me, do NOT move to New York to do it. Yeesh!

Quirks: Conformists bother you because of their lack of individuality. You're often late or unreliable. You're showy and refuse to share the spotlight. You only tell little white lies. You worm your way into the hearts of others, but be careful; some people despise the show-offs.

Factors: Surround yourself with activity and you'll always have material to work with. Involve friends and family in your projects so they don't feel like envious outsiders.

Future: Show business or not, you'll settle down happily if you're among those who appreciate your natural talents and desire to perform. Don't stay in one place too long, and don't be too hasty in defining your relationships. Who are you to judge what only time will tell?

posted by beautiful at 7:36 am

My mother bought me a tiny pot of orchids today - they're white and have purple speckled centres. She told me to take care of them ie. engage in plant speak everyday. Right...I was thinking that she's obsessive when it comes to this green fingers project. I asked her whether she really believed that plants grow better when you talk to them and she was telling me with a hundred percent conviction that plants can feel your love. It's truly amazing how plants behave like humans in their response to love and attention, even though they bear no resemblance to us. I suppose we've always taken it for granted that the greens in our lives just happen to grow because of chance, but maybe there is something more to it than meets the eye?
Is there anything else we take for granted? Perhaps the fact that our friends don't just need our companionship, they need our understanding? Or the fact that our parents love us more than we can ever imagine? It's in everything they do - those annoying questions like What exam are you taking today [even though you've told them like twice already] or Where are you going, with who and what time will you come home? Or how about domestic help. My maid has worked with us since I was 7. I think she doesn't sacrifice for just my family, she's given up the relationships back home to come here and work. She's got to be inhuman if all this hasn't already taken its toll on her. I've already lost count of how old she is now, and she's still unmarried [she broke up with her boyfriend shortly after she settled here and since then...] I, on the other hand, take it for granted that someday I will get a degree, find love and start a family.
Is it really true that people spend a lot of time comparing things? Maybe it is, and that's why so many people are not contented with their lot in life. Father Patrick says we should be grateful for what we already have. I have a lot to be thankful for, and the disillusioned one has reminded me of this. I thank God for my parents who are still together despite all the hardships in their lives. I thank God I have a big family, I don'f often see the 7 of us together but I think it's better than nothing. I am glad I have so many friends from everywhere, all fulfilling different needs in me. I am glad for my new mattress on which I have the the kind of sleep no other bed could provide. And yes, I am thankful for the new mattress protector my mother insisted I buy today. =)
I'm also thankful for the roof over my head and the intelligence I have that has brought me this far. Sometimes I'm even thankful for this country, which personifies security and belonging.
Today, what are you thankful for?

posted by beautiful at 3:42 am

Disillusioned one, I tried out the personality disorder test too! My results are as follows:

Disorder; Rating
Paranoid Moderate
Schizoid Low
Schizotypal Moderate
Antisocial Low
Borderline Moderate
Histrionic High
Narcissistic High
Avoidant Low
Dependent Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Moderate

I shan't say I'm surprised, I always knew I was [in Brett's words] a paranoid tit, I just wonder why I'm not ranked HIGH in that category. Maybe I'm becoming mellow. Who can say?

posted by beautiful at 10:35 pm

There is a story about an Egyptian man who dies and leaves half his camels to his eldest son, one third to the next son and one ninth to the last son. However he only has 17 camels. Just as the sons are puzzling over how to resolve this, a stranger comes along and kindly gives away one of his camels so that the problem will be easier to settle. So now there are 18 camels.

Half of 18 = 9
A third of 18 = 6
A ninth of 18 = 2
-------
17
-------
And so the stranger returns and takes his camel back.
Isn't this just the cutest story ever?
I was watching Jamie Oliver on TV today. Normally I just switch channels because his lisp is really too much for me to take, but this time I made it through a banana cake, a quiche and a 5 minute strawberry jam. The way he cooks is really amazing, I mean, he doesn't measure, he just does things sloppily and plonks everything into the bowl. And after he squeezed both halves of the lemon he proceeded to just toss them behind him into the sink [already full of pots and pans] and this caused an almighty CLONKing sound. Honestly, how does he get away with it? Of course it was very funny but it gives him a lot less credibility as Nik Manojlovich. Yes, the Savoir Faire guy who is the polar opposite of me [4 older sisters].
The point of me writing all this inane stuff, is well, caused by the need in my life for some mundane issues. I can't keep running on negative fuel. I don't think anyone can, you've got to be a glutton for punishment if you spend all your time just sitting on your ass thinking of how life sucks and things will never be the same as yesterday, etc. I've been cynical for a few years now, and I think I'm getting tired of it. How long can you go on thinking that life has dealt you an unfair hand?

And the morning is for you
And the air is free
And the birds sing for you
And your positivity

And the cars crash for you
And the sunshine is free
And the sirens call you

Yes, the morning is for you
Yes, the air is free
Yes, the world spins for you
And your positivity
Positivity

posted by beautiful at 7:05 am

Oh by the way, here's a warm welcome to the disillusioned one among us. Hip hip hurray!
May you discover the joys of writing here. [Blogging just sounds too teenage for me. Heh.]

posted by beautiful at 5:18 am

Today I bumped into one of those girls [I think the only one I have longwithstanding grudges against] as I was out with Lisa. I swallowed the temptation to tell Lisa 'hey that's the bitch I knew from primary school and sadly followed me all the course of my life right until the present.' Amazing how after that I felt no urge at all to slag her. I just....let it be. And you know what, I may just be crazy, but I might just smile at her the next time. Not a condescending or coy smile, probably one that just says what I've been trying to do for so long: Let's put the past behind us. And of course, on a more imperious level, the smile might say: I forgive you. [grin at the thought of such magninimity if such a word exists]
So as much as i love my friends, I'm not afraid to let them leave.
I am. I really am. Correct me if I'm wrong [no, DON'T! it's just a figure of speech] but I feel that if I have no friends, I have no one. Bad grades piss me off. Waiting for the lift pisses me off. Having someone walk out of my life hurts, then pisses me off, then leaves me cycnical and disillusioned. I don't consider myself to be a person who's good at maintaining relationships, quite the opposite in fact. I have lost friends because of my own flaws, failure on both parts to communicate and once, because of a boy. Not my boy, her boy. Thank God at least they're still together! But my point is that much as I would like the strength to stand independently [ie. not self-destruct once someone leaves] I can't. Is this weakness and dependency or is this a survival tactic? I may be lying to myself but for me, it's the latter. I need my friends. If the people around you shape you and mould you, then what are you if you have no one?

posted by beautiful at 5:14 am

You put the "elation" back into "relationship"
What an absolute joke. You know Soulitary, for a pretty long time I lost faith in the boy-girl kind of relationship. I found it very difficult to actually consider trusting a guy in the near future, or perhaps even maintaining a nice solid platonic friendship with one. When I think back there still is the hurt and the resentment, and that is precisely the moment I know that even if it was love then, it can't possibly be love now. Love means forgiveness, and love allows you to forget and move on and love allows you to think back with a mixture of fondness and nostalgia, but NEVER with the regret and hurt I still experience. It has been almost a year now.
The thing is, my love, time will heal wounds, but scars still remain. There are relationships I've had with people [both guy and girl] in the past, some dating back years and years, and some of them I still wish I could change. Even though those are closed chapters, they are not finished ones. If I had the chance, I would want to say sorry for the hurt I've caused. I would like to ask some questions and see what happened along the way. I would like to formulate the sense of resolution that brings peace and ease of mind. Perhaps I'd even like to retract some of the hurtful words I've said in front of or behind the person's back.
You once told me never to let the sun go down in my anger. Maybe you don't show it because you're a strong girl, all the deep hurt that fills the void in your heart. But please, please remember how relationships are built on human feeling. They build because of human feeling. [Ok fine, gratification, whatever, let's not spoil my moment of prose] Be gentle and compassionate as you would have your friends treat you, because it's all that truly matters at the end.

posted by beautiful at 4:26 am