Some more random thoughts [random IS INDEED the word. it's funny how incoherent I become when I'm in a better mood!]
I hope Chloe is well and happy in London now. Mr Harris was telling her that if she ever got sick of London, she'd be sick of life. I think that's something I have yet to judge for myself because I've never been there. Oh how nice it'd be to travel once the A's are over and done with!
I wonder if Tyrone is still alive. I haven't spoken to him since June and I'm worried that he's dead somewhere, especially since he's not on talking terms with his parents. The last I heard, he was going to LA after July to work on music with his cousin. Please please let me hear from him soon.
Where in the world is Hermie Natividad? Who is the mysterious Elvie Fornier on the answering machine?
How is my father feeling today?
Clear as mud.

posted by beautiful at 5:23 am

Suede is No. 17 on the Asia Hitlist with 'Positivity'. Soulitary, you can't imagine how excited I was when I saw you quote the entire lyrics to Everything Will Flow. I nearly died of happiness, because I didn't expect you to put the whole song there and the words were just jumping right out at me! Total euphoria!
Leon was just telling me today that he felt so bad because he paid $1 and got a double cheesburger instead of a single one. He's going to give the Macdonalds guy back his money. It's amazing how child-like Leon can be in his honesty and sincerity. It's fitting that we started off the Mass with' Amazing Grace', and I was tempted more than once to laugh out loud at Leon singing '..that saved a wretch like me'. Something about 'I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see' seemed to speak to me about the past week's experiences.
It's been a week of uplifting ups and depressing downs. One of discovery and enlightenment. I saw Nat in church again and I marvelled how much better she looks than when I last saw her on Monday - I also thought how much better I felt than last Sunday in church.
Millie the dog has finally been adopted by someone. I am so glad for her because she now has someone who can continue to love her. God bless Mr Percy Leicester.
Yes, today I am feeling better. Let me live!

posted by beautiful at 5:16 am

Yesterday I watched the 5 hour BBC version of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. Mr Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet are truly the most romantic hero and heroine ever, yet also the most idealistic. Reading the book before watching the video had the strange effect of seeing the themes even more clearly on-screen, and realising the hidden messages within the book. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems!
I started with my self-help book yesterday and I was writing down stuff about my childhood and also my take on many issues such as God, sex, love and money. When I started reading the stuff I wrote, I saw that my beliefs were not what hurt me, but it was myself that was causing me pain. I also realised that the times that I sometimes wish to relive were also the times that were the loneliest I'd experienced as a child. Breaking my life up into stages and looking at them from where I am now, I could see that I was affected by different things, and these are not all necessarily bad. Most of them can't be helped, in fact I think they're probably normal parts of life - sickness, not having loved ones around all the time, family problems, etc.
My life has become crucial to the understanding of myself now. I think it's time I embraced it instead of destroying my life work with my thoughts.
On my way home from my friend's house this morning, I was looking ahead of me on the train. This woman was wearing a black shirt and she was standing in front of me. I deciphered a 'Toronto' on her shirt, then I realised she was wearing one of those souvenir shirts that say 'CANADA" right across the front with all the tacky logos and tourist attractions just splashed there. 'Vancouver' was right at the bottom left corner, all scrunched up. I was thinking to myself 'This is surely an omen!' I had, after all, been thinking of scholarship stuff before I noticed the woman's shirt. So maybe if I don't make it to where I wanna go, I'll listen to the first sign and apply to U of T.
Waddya think, Soulitary? =)

posted by beautiful at 10:14 pm

Everyone's been encouraging me not to ditch my dream of going to Canada. I wonder how they can all be strong for me when I cannot foresee any hope or chance of getting out of this mess. I know there are probably people out there who believe in me more than I believe in myself. It's so strange how the human mind works, and how human relationships are sometimes all there is to hold in this mad mad world. Sure they hurt you, but you still need them more than anything else.
My friend Deb has left an impression on me today. I was confiding in her my problem, the money, and also my mother. She was quiet for a while and then she told me that she thinks I think of myself far too much. She told me that I fail to see how I have hurt my mum, instead I keep focusing on the pain I feel inside. She also told me that I keep placing importance on things that are not supposed to be, and I tend to skip over things that need to be addressed. I love the fact that she can see me as who I am, and she's still willing to be my friend. That she loves me enough to tell me point blank, these are the areas that I need to change. I treasure that frankness in her, and that maturity of hers. Like Soulitary told me today, love is when you find someone imperfect and love that someone perfectly.
And yes, Soulitary, Deb thinks I should talk to my uncle too. She actually told me "look you're 18, you're old enough to do this for yourself." I realised how right she was, I'm 18, not 10 and I have to do this for myself, simply because no one else will do it for me. This shall be the first step to independence, just like how you take your first breath and step away from the clutches of sentiment, that which you sometimes like to hold close to your heart.
My senior is leaving tomorrow for the UK. I will undoubtedly miss her dearly, even though I've hardly said much to her since June, save for the occasional email. This is what she said about me in her email:
*my name goes here*..you've stopped whining for quite a while..hehe..but i still love you anyway!! Wonderfully witty and humorous.. you're also very intelligent..make sure you knock those GP idiotic tutors with your A1 next year!
This is quite an affirmation I must say. It reminds me that when I'm at my very lowest, there are still people out there who live my dream for me, in the form of prayers, love, and hope. Until I am strong enough to take up that dream again.

posted by beautiful at 5:08 am

Dearest Soulitary,
there was a time I remember when you were singing 'Oh, whatever makes her happy, on a Saturday night?'
These days I wish I could ask Brett whether he really cares what makes her happy on a Saturday night.
There are fragments of pain that we all hold within us, unable to let go of/accept/embrace. There are times of depression when we sit there and feel unloved and forsaken. There are tears that fall out of tremendous self-pity in times when we think no one gives a damn.
One night I lay in bed feeling that all-too-familiar sadness threaten to drown me and I began to cry desperately. I also began to pray to God, telling Him that no one could help me but Him. I begged for Him to help me keep my sanity. [yes, don't we all sometimes feel like our thoughts will drive us crazy?] In that moment I completely surrendered to Him in my human frailty. I cried without inhibition.
Soulitary, the pain and grief in our hearts at this moment will serve to bring us closer to God. Our weakness is a reminder that we are not almighty beings, self-made women or isolated creatures. The priest in my church has preached all too often about living life on a spiritual level, where we have invited God into our lives and opened the door to his grace, which has the power to change and save. We will also have opened ourselves to forgiveness and love. We hurt. God hurts too.
Always remember the footprints in the sand, my dear. God will never ever forsake you.
Love,
Beautiful Loser

posted by beautiful at 5:25 am

Today, I reserve the right to mope. To rant and rave. To scream at the top of my lungs.
I've never felt so fallible in my life. Sure I've failed things before, mostly Maths tests and stuff, but today I really, really topped myself by failing English. It's not like I can't speak coherently or spell or form grammatical sentences - I CAN, it just seems that I suck at paraphrasing, summarising and expressing my ideas. That, as well as answering the question. Ever felt as helpless as me? How in the world do you master the art of language? How do you write an essay that addresses the issue, yet pleases the marker at the same time? How do you NOT put your life in the hands of someone who doesn't give a damn about you? [eg. scholarship interviewers, essay markers, testimonial writers] Isn't it strange how people you don't know or come into contact with on a personal level still have the power to hurt you?
And omigawd I didn't mention that I got only 5 points for my cocurricular record. 5 points out of like 50.
It almost sounds ironic BUT on a more spiritual note, my brother says that I should stop thinking about what I want for myself and start thinking about what God wants for me. I know this, but I need to be reminded. So is it God's will that I failed English, because I certainly didn't expect to, and it's not like you can actually study for it! I guess things always happen for a reason, but much as I am tempted to dwell on this and make it an excuse to be a complete bitch [eg. crabby excuse no. 1: I had a bad childhood] I don't think I will. I would be much happier if I listened to Suede, read a book, watched Alias on TV or just sat here spilling my guts. I can't do anything about it because it's done with. Now I'll just wait for God's gift and challenge to us - tomorrow.

posted by beautiful at 1:24 am